Toxic Byte

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. As he wondered how the heck he would do it, he comes across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thinks to himself. But desperate, he calls them and subscribes to the 3day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there’s a knock at his door, and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young woman dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign says, “If you can catch me, you can have me!” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches and has his way with her. After she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reeboks running shoes and a sign around her neck that says, “If you catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and finds he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone? This is our most rigorous program.” Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it, he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you’re mine.”

David Hasselhoff walks onto the set of his new movie and says to the director “I would like to be called David Hoff in the credits of this movie�.

“Sure�, says the director “no hassle…�

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One ofthe guys is about to chip onto the green when he seesa long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closeshis eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:“Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thingI have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35years.”

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box”.

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to her class of five-year-olds,
“I’ll give $2.00 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous
man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy, Sean, put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
“Sorry, Sean,” the teacher said, “that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy, Charles, put his hand up and said, “It was St.
Andrew.”

The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Charles, that’s not correct either.
Finally, a Jewish boy, Isador, raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus
Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely correct, Isador. Come up here and
I’ll give you the $2.00.”

As the teacher was giving Isador his money, she said, “You know Isador,
since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Little Isador replied, “Yeah, in my heart I know it’s Moses, but
business is business…”