Toxic Byte

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW,” the social worker exclaims,”Are they ALL YOURS?”

“Yep they are all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down Leroy.”

All the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up.
I’ll need all your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest — he is Leroy.”

“OK, and who’s next?”

“Well, this one he is Leroy, also.”

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

“All right,” says the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?”

Their Momma replied, “Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’
when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ an’ they all comes
arunnin.’ An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the
street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest
idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?”

“I call them by their last names.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of
the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees
a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes
his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
“Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35
years.”

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

“Well…you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord? “

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring… so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret…

you know, woman to woman.”

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

“Not a chance” says the husband — “It’s three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was it?” asks his wife.

“Just a drunken stranger asking for a push” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I didn’t — it’s three in the morning and raining like hell out there!”

“Well, you’ve got a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. “Hello - are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing” the drunk replies…

10.”They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”

8. I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time.”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Oh, bloody hell! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost worked out how to handle that big accounting problem.”

3. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down really close?”

2. “Who took the label off the decaf?”

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. Raise your head slowly and say, “…in Jesus name, Amen.”