Toxic Byte

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.

“You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

{You want more, you say?}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked. “Who is this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Q: How many kids with attention deficit dissorder does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lets go outside and ride our bikes!

Q: What’s the difference between Karate and Judo?
A: Karate is a method of self-defense, and Judo is what bagels are made of.

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with the driver.

Little Nancy was in the garden, filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, “That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f…ing cat.”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.”Oh yeah,” says Carries father, “our Carrie really loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we’d let her!”

Well, this makes Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DAMN IT, DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo”.

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates”, he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well”, said the accountant, “one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”