Toxic Byte

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least…..

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ..
“Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail.”

Three robbers were caught after they took pictures of themselves with a mobile phone they stole.

They also took 20 tones of fertilizer from Petrobras Energy in Rosario, Argentina.

The mobile was set up to send every picture taken to a personal webpage.

After the pictures were posted they were analysed by the police and the robbers identified.

All three robbers were arrested.

A police spokesperson said: “Little did they know that all their pictures were being instantly sent to a webpage.

“They took so many it was very easy to identify them, it was the easiest arrest ever.”

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly ! wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening. He was thinking, “Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the 2012 Olympics. However there has been a request that some on the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals:

100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High Street with a dvd player under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres a Police dog will be released in each lane.

Boxing: - This will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the final will take place in the local community centre on a saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Kings Arms before encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following (a) there’s f* ck all for your tea, (b) our Tracey is up the duff, (c) I’m up the duff, (d) Pauline at number 12 is up the duff and she is saying its yours!

Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash points at the BP garage in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul it out the quickest.

Equestrian Events: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pitbull Terrier, Doberman, German Shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and Pushchairs do not count.

The Olympic flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in time-honoured tradition by torching a Ford Escort XR3i.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.