Toxic Byte

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. .. and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years”.

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered “C.”

October - Hates M &M’s because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11″ on any phone button.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”

The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!!”

he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in
a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old
man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff
neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he
settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful
woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she
is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him.

Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
“So where are you flying to today?” She turns and smiles
and says, “To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in
Chicago.”

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with
excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he’s ever
seen, sitting right next to him, and she’s going to
a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks,
“And what’s your role at this convention?” She flips
her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes,
and says, “Well, I try to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality.”

“Really”, he says, swallowing hard, again. “And what
myths are those?” She explains: “Well, one popular myth
is that African American men are the most well-endowed,
when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most
likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth
is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best,
on average.”

“Very interesting” the man responds. Suddenly, the
woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. “I’m sorry,”
she says, “I feel so awkward discussing this with you,
and I don’t even know your name.” The man extends his
hand and replies, “Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.”