Toxic Byte

Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.

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Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, “I really like the skylights on the 3rd floor.� “Me too,� remarked the second student. “I don’t know why they didn’t just put some on the 2nd floor too.�

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My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, “This violin was made in the early 1800s.” Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, “So you got it used?”

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A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy Week (the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the last few days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie “Jesus of Nazareth” to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross, a girl in my class asked, “Is this live footage?â€?

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I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing customer’s computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Induhvidual asks, “Do you guys sell Ethernet cables?� I said that we do, and he asks, “How much is it?� I asked, “How long do you want it?� He responded, “Um, a while I guess. I want to buy it.� I said, “No, I mean how long as in the length of the cable.� This elicited total silence on his end, so I informed him that we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He asked, “When do I have to return it?� I told him to keep it as long as he likes.

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My Kentuckian sister-in-law’s young daughter recently married a Mexican immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after the birth, a doctor walked into the recovering mom’s hospital room and mentioned that the baby’s white blood cell count was high. My sister-in-law asked, “Does that mean she will be more white than Mexican?” This is a true story.

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While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment, I overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat assignment. When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat the old lady exclaimed “OH! Please don’t put me by the window! I just had my hair done!”

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While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said it was because that’s where the sun sets.

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My teacher was having a discussion with our class about what we did for Christmas. One guy said he got himself a deer when he went hunting. My teacher, the clever punster, said that he got a “dear” too, only this was the kind with TWO legs. The class laughed. Then one moron in back raised her hand and asked, “Did you shoot it anyway?”

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A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a second job in order to pay off his wife’s huge cell phone bill. When asked why she went so far over her monthly time allocation, his response was that when she bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and evening time was free. Since she works an odd schedule — Sunday through Thursday — she assumed that Fridays counted as her “weekend day.â€? So she used the phone the entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas. (4 hours, each direction, at 45 cents per minute).

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My husband is a police officer and was training some of his guys at the shooting range. They were hanging the paper targets when one guy said, “Hey, why don’t we hang 3 at a time and just tear the top one off each time, that way we don’t have to keep hanging them.”

Needless to say this emanated from a female member of staff

*ALL ARE WELCOME*
* *
*OPEN TO MEN ONLY*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

*DAY ONE *

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

*DAY TWO*

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. “What will you have?” the bartender asked.

“I’ll have a glass of blood,” the first replied.

“I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,” said the second.

“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third.

“OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?”

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

Not quite sure why there’s two number 4’s at the end there, but anyway. Are you brave enough?

ONE-POINT DARES

1.Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
“Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the
doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the
shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the
prophecy…”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge
dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ‘’email'’.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you
with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
4 . After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
5 . In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
6 . At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness,I’ll never go hungry again!”
7 . Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
8. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
9 . During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.