Toxic Byte

Alas, there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves just weren’t producing the toys as fast as the regular ones. Poor Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being Behind schedule. Then Mrs. Clause announced that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, He found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Furthermore, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys everywhere. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the alcohol, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it’?”

…And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron” The man looks round and doesn’t see anyone so
he tries again. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He makes a birdie.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog.” The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?”, the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “Ok where to next?” The frog
replied, “Ribbit Las Vegas”.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “Ok frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette”. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replied, “Ribbit $3000 black 6.” Now, it is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me”. He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 15-year-old girl in the world.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room”.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major replied, “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen quite a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself…”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, “You know,I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, “1955, ma’am.”

She gasped, “Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, Do you think so? It’s only 2130 now…”

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It’s an impressive operation.

I also like how you’ve got it to where when somebody says “Christmas presents,” people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you’re a huge success, people still don’t know much about your private life. It’s just rumors. That’s so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you’re designing toys, only your elves know what you’re doing, and you’re way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you’re making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy’s stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can’t deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don’t play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don’t get is why you give away stuff. That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. I admit, its why you’re number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here’s an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That’s so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don’t have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you–windows. Everybody has windows.

That’s about all I have to say. You’re probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don’t really like to talk about my personal life, if that’s O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don’t really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I’m sort of like you–I make my own toys.

Best of luck,

Billy Gates

Sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”

12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 pack of Redman

6 cans of spam

5 FLANNEL SHIRTS….

4 big mo tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and parts to a Mustang GT…