Toxic Byte

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA:
I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

A couple of weeks before Christmas Santa is thumbing through his logbook to make sure everything’s in order for the Big Day. While going through his logbook, he realizes he’s not current. He needs his Bi-Annual Flight Review, so calls his local FAA rep and arranges for the flight.

After a couple days of studying, Santa’s all set to go. He meets the examiner at the airport. The oral exam goes without a hitch and they start heading out towards the sleigh. Santa then notices the examiner carrying something in his right arm; it’s a shotgun. Santa is really curious but doesn’t want to make a commotion.

When they get to the sleigh, the examiner, loads the shotgun and puts it on his lap. Now Santa has to ask.

“What’s that for?” Santa asks.

“Well, I’m not really supposed to tell you, but, well, you’re gonna have an engine failure after take off.”

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

A man goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.”

His order comes a while later and it’s served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the fancy plate?”

Who replies, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
–Phyllis Diller

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
–Jay Leno

“The giving of gifts in such a way that no credit will devolve upon ourselves is sufficiently at odds with our routine behavior as to be accounted a mystery, and we may as well give that mystery a name. Santa Claus it is.”
- Cecil Adams, syndicated columnist of the “The Straight Dope”, answering the question “Is there a Santa Claus?” 26-Dec-97 (http://www.straightdope.com/)

“Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
- Richard Lamm

Wouldn’t drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed…like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones…fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth…well okay. But what’s with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield’s body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna’s dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor’s supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in ‘Jailbait Rock’, the story of her Mom and Dad’s courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that ‘hee-hee-hee’ thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya’s Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn’t have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese’s within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to “just beat it” one too many times.

He’s a plain spoken “Hoosier”, and she had clearly gone “Hollywood”.

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.